The Funny Bone

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother’s Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait, she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. “As a surprise for Mother’s Day,” one explained, “We decided to cook our own breakfast.”

A reporter was interviewing a 103-year-old great-grandmother. “And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

A kid’s grandparents take him to mass every Sunday. One day, halfway through the service, the grandma leans over and whispers in her husband’s ear, “I’ve just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?” Grandpa replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

Little Karl was with his grandmom in a supermarket when he yells, “Grandma, I need to pee!” So Grandma replies, “We’re in a public place. Don’t say you need to pee, say something nice, say you need to sing.”

Later, when grandma’s sleeping, Little Karl goes in and wakes her up. “Grandma, I need to sing!”

“It’s midnight, honey, you can’t sing now.”

“But I need to sing really bad!”

“Well, ok then. Sing quietly in Grandma’s ear.”

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road….”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about Bessie.”

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi ran the stop sign and smacked my tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Pretty soon, this Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes. Then he crossed the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, “How are you feeling?”

“Now tell me, what the heck would you say?”

John’s mom bet him that if he didn’t eat 25 dumplings, he would clean the apartment. He eats the 24th dumpling, but the 25th isn’t on the plate.

That’s all you need to know about drafting contracts.

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